Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Wood Stain is the New Bad Weed

Last weekend, the Teddy-ette and I had the piercingly bright idea to finally get around to staining the various unfinished bookshelves that have been littered around the apartment for the past few months. The result, unsurprisingly, was that we accidently managed to turn the entire apartment into a giant huff-bag. The effect was roughly similar to walking though a bonfire in a field in Rantoul, IL. On an up note, however, the fumes reduced the cat to tentatively staggering in slow circles, as though she were trying to walk down the banister of a spiral staircase.

Thus, the weekend was passed in rapt contemplation of “Anchorman” and various MTV reality shows. I can’t believe that they’re attempting to have a Real World/Road Rules Challenge without the Miz, or Crazy Hick Theo (who I greatly enjoy, as I’ve always envied the general miens and worldviews of those who were subjected to a series of shovel-blows to the head as children). Among those who did show up is former token Masshole hothead David, who appears to have mellowed into a comfortable insurance-adjusting reality-show dotage. Good for him--more of these freaks need to embrace the stoicism and encroaching puffiness of life away from the cameras.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Fictitious Teammates of Surprisingly Non-Fictional Red Sox CF Coco Crisp

CF: Coco Crisp
LF: Franken Berry
3B: Crackle
SS: Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil Gutierrez
2B: Juan Valdez
1B: That Kid Mikey Who Enjoys "Life"-Brand Cereal
RF: Destro
C: Alex Rodriguez
P: Mordecai "Three Fingers, Two Scoops" Brown

Friday, January 27, 2006

Periodic Item I Sort of Always Thought Was Available Everywhere...

but turned out to be a New England-specific artifact:

Hoodsie cups!

What next, no Sport Billy or Sport Lilly PSA's?

The Hartford Convention had it right--we should have seceded from the the great unwashed mass of hillbillies a long time ago.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Governmental Change in Canada

Moderator: Welcome to "Sully and Murph Discuss The Issues," a blog featuring commentary on major issues of the day. Our principal commentators are: Timothy "Sully" Sullivan, Jr. (20), a student at Worcester State College, and part-time stocker at Building 19; and Thomas "Murph" Murphy (19), a graduate of Assabet Valley Regional Vocational High School, and aspiring barber.

Today's topic: Does the Canadian Conservative Party's success in the wake of scandal surrounding former Prime Minister Paul Martin's Liberal government mark a genuine rightward turn for Canada, or merely a reaction to corruption in the Liberal Party?

Sully: Jaysus. How the hell do I care who's the Governor of Canada? As long as Montreal doesn't close down Club Super Sexe, everything's fine in my book.

Murph: You are dumb as a bag of wet hair. Canada doesn't have a Governor. It has a Queen. I know, because some jerk at the White Hen Pantry gave me a Canadian nickel as change--I couldn't get rid of it for weeks. And there's definitely an inbred lady with a tiara and an overbite on that thing.

Sully: The Queen--are you kiddin'? Jaysus, that lady's everywhere. Grampa Eammon used to tell me about how she put a curse on the potato crop back in Ireland.

Murph: What, now you're an IRA guy or something? Alls you know about bein' Irish is on St. Patty's Day when you break out that shirt that says "Kiss Me (Surprisingly Small [and Blindingly White] Hog), I'm Irish."

Sully: Listen, Murphy, just because two of your uncles spent three years upside-down in buckets of tea in an English prison doesn't give you the right to come off all Kevin Barry. The Sullivans were just too smart to get caught, that's all.

Murph: Get caught doin' what, fetchin' Whitey Bulger's coffee?

Moderator: All right, settle down. Do either of you have any parting thoughts that actually have to do with our topic?

Sully: Sure--now that the Republicans are in charge up theiah, maybe the Islams can go blow up a hockey rink instead of anything major.

Murph: Hell, if they take out the Queen they're welcome to use Ulster as their Holy Land. Couldn't make it worse up there if they tried, anyways.

Moderator: Join us next time when we will debate the rationale behind continued EU expansion.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Star of the Day, Who Will It Be?

Teddy again. Given the pretty obvious Mass-centric leanings of this blog, I thought I'd throw a question out there:

Dave Maynard: Dead or Alive?

For those under 25 or so, Dave Maynard was the morning drive-time DJ for WBZ back before they went all-news. He also hosted a terrible, terrible, proto-American Idol show called Community Auditions, a "talent" competiton in which adorable singing moppets would compete against tap-dancing housewives from Swampscott. To put things in perspective, the biggest "star" to come out of the show was Scott Grimes, best known for his work as Scott Wolf's best friend/even more effeminate foil on Party of Five .

At any rate, Dave had some health issues, specifically with his eyesight, and has sort of dropped off the map a bit--though it's unclear whether he's slipped six feet under the map just yet. But I've had a soft spot for the guy ever since my Mom and I won a contest on his show by writing a poem about the Swedish Chef from the Muppets (this is true). Plus, I have a Dead Pool entry due soon.

So let's send a virtual search party out for the old codger. First one in with a correct answer gets a cement mixer full of love, and some cement.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Abramoff Scandal

Moderator: Welcome to "Sully and Murph Discuss The Issues," a blog featuring commentary on major issues of the day. Our principal commentators are: Timothy "Sully" Sullivan, Jr. (20), a student at Worcester State College, and part-time stocker at Building 19; and Thomas "Murph" Murphy (19), a graduate of Assabet Valley Regional Vocational High School, and aspiring barber.

Today's topic: Will the recent revelations surrounding Republican casino lobbyist Jack Abramoff change the public's attitude towards legalized gambling?

Murph: I could use some legalized gambling right about now. As far as I know, those guys don't threaten to Theisman your shins if a couple of your more speculative bets don't hit. I lost a bundle on the Pats last weekend. Kevin Faulk and that ref were conspirin' against me.

Sully: Why? You give 'em a haircut recently?

Murph: None of that, theiah. Larry, my professor at barber college, has been all over me this week. Turns out you're supposed to let the hot towels air out for a while after they come out of the boilah. Like that fat bastard of a customer needed his eyebrows, anyways. I think he was just pissed that I winged him with the straight razor. I guess he never got a question wrong on an exam or whatevah.

Sully. Jaysus. Anyways, the refs were just hatin' on Touchdown Tommy Brady, that's all. They all secretly just want to get down there and puff the magic dragon on him.

Murph: Classy. Another gay joke. They teach you those down there at Building 69?

Sully: Building 19, you humpsicle.

Moderator: Fellas, back to Indian casino gambling, please.

Murph: Curry Indian or corn Indian? I'm not sure I trust eithah. I keep waitin' for one of those Indian places to go all Little Big Horn.

Sully: Jaysus, that's all we need is Laughing Buffet and Dances With Pass Lines swooping down scalpin' guys and yellin' "Yo eleven!"

Moderator: Are you guys even trying? What's the fucking point of this blog if it's just down to you two ass-smoking fuck-sniffers yammerin' on like kids on the back of the retard van?

Murph: . . .

Sully: . . .

Moderator: Please join us next time when we will debate how far up Murph's ass I can fit my foot.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Insert Amusing "Golden Globes" Pun Here

Teddy here again. Yesterday, the Teddy-ette and I sat down to watch the Golden Globes. I was bracing for a long evening of celebrity gossip, fashion commentary and general low-level bafflement on my end, though it ended up being a good take.

For starters, not only were all the stars out, but a good percentage of them were hanging out as well. In fact, if I might wallow briefly, all of the female stars appeared to have broken out their formal evening boobs for the occasion, with the Outstanding Achievement Award in the Field of Excellence being split between Scarlett Johansson and Virginia Madsen. Just about the only celeb to break ranks was Pamela Anderson, which was the equivalent of M.L. Carr declining to participate in Towel Wavers Appreciation Day.

However, on a sadder note, the former coolest guy in the freaking universe (aka Harrison Ford) continued his downward spiral into Nicholson-ian self-parody by showing up tanked and looking like everyone's drunk Uncle Mickey. The guy made Blade Runner, The Empire Strikes Back, and Raiders of the Lost Ark in a three-year span, and he's now reduced to sub-Dean Martin schtick. I can't help but blame Anne Heche for all this, though I don't pretend to have all the dots connected yet. Stay tuned for further updates as events warrant.

Sully and Murph return tomorrow.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Child Care and the Modern Family

Moderator: Welcome to "Sully and Murph Discuss The Issues," a blog featuring commentary on major issues of the day. Our principal commentators are: Timothy "Sully" Sullivan, Jr. (20), a student at Worcester State College, and part-time stocker at Building 19; and Thomas "Murph" Murphy (19), a graduate of Assabet Valley Regional Vocational High School, and aspiring barber.

Today's topic: With the rise in single-parent households and the concomittant increase in the need for qualfied day care, what role should the local, state, or federal government play in the provision of child care?

Sully: Jaysus. Murph, you remember Dotty Lavallee? We all had home ec together in junior high? The girl who sewed a cake and baked a pillow?

Murph: Yah theiah, I remembah her. God old 'Flatty' Lavalle. What ever happened to her?

Sully: She had a kid.

Murph: Really? What's its name?

Sully: The father made her name it Octagon.

Murph: What the hell kinda name is that?

Sully: The father was a big Ultimate Fighting fan. Plus, he claims that he only knocked up Dotty after she hit him over the head with a stop sign.

Murph: Jaysus.

Sully: Anywho, Dotty had some problems, and now Octagon is gonna be a Wednesday's Child on TV. Apparently the kid has some kind of retardism--you know Jack Williams loves those kinda stories.

Murph: You think he and Liz Walker ever hooked up?

Sully: Nah, he probably just gets shitcanned with Bob Lobel every night. You seen how red Lobel's nose is now?

Murph: They could put him on top of the Pru to warn off planes.

Moderator: Gentlemen, we appear to be wandering somewhat far afield again. Perhaps we could get back to the problem of finding day care for children in single-parent households?

Murph: Goddam you, Jimmy. Hey, didn't you used to date Dotty in 8th grade? Goin' ta second base with her must have been like washing a window.

Moderator: Listen, just because you and Tommy were jacking each other off after gym class is no reason to get upitty.

Sully: . . .

Murph: . . .

Moderator: Please join us next time, when the topic will be whether the increasing slope of the U.S.'s Lorenz Curve bodes ill for the Republicans in the upcoming mid-term elections.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

A Liver Runs Through It

Sully and Murph will provide the majority of the entertainment around here, but I'll chime in with occasional random stuff as well. For background, I grew up in Hudson, MA, and now live in Brooklyn. Today's episode will deal with a relatively recent post-Homecoming train ride taken from Phila., PA (where I attended college), and NYC.

In an attempt to carry the Penn traditional of continual education throughout ALL phases of life, I would like to share a bit of hard-earned wisdom with you: Do not, under any circumstances, drink 4 40's in an afternoon and then take a 2-hour train ride to another city the same night. At the end of the above-decribed trip it will feel like someone has jammed a Coqui 900 bottle filled with Distilled Essence of Human Suffering deep, deep into your cerebral cortex.

Sophisticated tests have shown that I, solely as a result of this trip, lost 3.2% of my brain capacity. 0.8% of that has been attributed to alcohol, 0.4% to motion, and a whopping 2.0% to the "water" I drank on>board the train which either (a) was a combinbation of recycled brake fluid and rat blood or; (b) was somthing more poisonous that only TASTED like brake fluid and rat blood. That said, let the record show that I did NOT boot at any point, made at least a decent showing in the pound-for-pound drinking race, and arrived at my law review meeting on time, where I killed 3 people simply by glaring at them.

To summarize, Homecoming kicked more ass than Sherman.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Senate Hearings re: Samuel Alito

Moderator: Welcome to "Sully and Murph Discuss The Issues," a blog featuring commentary on major issues of the day. Our principal commentators are: Timothy "Sully" Sullivan, Jr. (20), a student at Worcester State College, and part-time stocker at Building 19; and Thomas "Murph" Murphy (19), a graduate of Assabet Valley Regional Vocational High School, and aspiring barber.

Astute readers may recall that these two gentlemen previously wrote for the "Timmy and Tommy Talk!!!" blog; this blog has been discontinued due to Mr. Murphy's contention that the title was "gayer than Richard Simmons's masseur."

Today's Topic: Does today's shift in tone in the Senate hearings re: Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito portend trouble for his chances of confirmation? Or is it merely representative of the increasingly partisan rhetoric of the national debate?

Sully: Jaysus. I was down at Billy Fitz's summah house in Ormond Beach, FL last weekend and got sunburned like a jerk. My neck looks like somebody went at it with a cheese gratah. Plus, Fitz screwed me over big time.

Murph: I bet he did.

Sully: None of that, bowmar. I figure Florida + school vacation time = hot girls, right? Turns out people down there are as ugly as people everywhere else. There was one girl who looked like the Unibombah.

Murph: Listen, while you were down there swannin' around, I was trying to get my barber's license again. The guy tells me to give the customer a "pompadour." What the hell is that about? Sounds like some kind of French soup or something. I whiffled the guy and sent him off, but the guy doing the test got pissed. Guy needed to smoke a haybar in worst way.

Sully: You hump. Down at the 19 the other day I had to unload 10 pallets of wool sweaters that got salvaged from a fire. The things smelled like the Devil's nutsack dipped in cheese.

Moderator: Gentlemen, could we please get back on topic?

Murph: Fock you, Jimmy. Jaysus, you sound like a Kennedy, except sober. We Murphys aren't big fans of the Kennedys, you know.

Moderator: Oh, I'm sure the Kennedys are big Murphy fans, so that probably hurts them.

Sully: Fock you, Sally.

Moderator: Eat a bowl of dicks, you ass-cramming shit-smoker.

Murph: . . .

Sully: . . .

Moderator: That concludes todays discussion. Please join us next time when we will discuss Latin American monetary policy.

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