Wednesday, February 08, 2006

A Golden Opportunity

Former Bruin Rick Tocchet has been charged with financing a gambling ring whose connections included the New Jersey mafia, Wayne Gretsky, and possibly that insane guy who used to sell Cracker Jack in the Fleet Center. Several other former NHL players are suspected to have placed bets through the ring.

Now, assuming these guys weren't betting on hockey, I can't quite bring myself to care about this story. Unless, that is, Ulf Samuelsson, the man who drastically shortened Cam Neely's career with a cheap shot, is somehow involved. If there's the slightest chance that Ulfie could end up in Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison in all of this, every Bruins' fans beer will taste a little better this winter. Here's hopin'.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Blade Runner 2: The Suckening

I've noted before in this space that Harrison Ford was dangerously close to using up the store of good will he'd created during his early-'80's streak of pretty good performances in fantastically entertaining movies. That said, at least his Golden Globes performance could be chalked up to the fact that he carried a beverage on stage with him. Last night's Super Bowl intro had no such excuse.

For those who missed it, Ford recited some faux-Seussian lyrics in front of a green screen which looked like scribblings in the margins of Peter Max's high school history notebook. Teddy Geisel, a Masshole himself, was undoubtedly watching from some higher plane and preparing thunderbolts. I feel as though Harrison is one more Hollywood Homicide away from playing out the string as a celebrity seat-filler at award shows, and is hanging on to his glorious past by his fingernails.

As a wise man once said, "Indiana? Let it go."

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

America's Dependency on Foreign Oil

Moderator: Welcome to "Sully and Murph Discuss The Issues," a blog featuring commentary on major issues of the day. Our principal commentators are: Timothy "Sully" Sullivan, Jr. (20), a student at Worcester State College, and part-time stocker at Building 19; and Thomas "Murph" Murphy (19), a graduate of Assabet Valley Regional Vocational High School, and aspiring barber.

Today's Topic: In his recent State of the Union address, President Bush referred to America as "addicted to oil," and called for a 75% reduction in the use of OPEC-exported oil in the next half-decade. Is the President's plan feasible, and if so, how will it affect the consumption patterns of the average American?

Sully: Jaysus, I came down with the consumption myself after my last shift at Building 19. We had to unload 50 pallets of irregular Spam, and those bastids were dusty as hell. I almost missed my World Geography class at Worcester State.

Murph: Is that class hard?

Sully: Pretty. I've been studyin' a lot by playin' "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" on my Mom's IIGS, and hittin' International Beer nights at the Horseshoe Pub, so I should be OK.

Murph: Nice. They don't let you study for barber college at the 'Shoe--something about insurance premiums and that guy down at the clam shack who's got a divot taken out of his scalp.

Moderator: Gentlemen, back to the move away from foreign oil dependency, please.

Sully: Look, as long as Bush doesn't take away the Super Premium unleaded down at the Gas 'n' Go, I'm OK with it. My whip needs the good stuff to get up over 100 on the highway.

Murph: Are you talking about the Honda? You know, just because you glued a spoiler on the bastid doesn't make it a sports car. The only way that thing is breaking 100 is if you drop it out of a plane.

Sully: Nice. Like that Geo of yours is the height of suavite, right there Andretti? Anyways, like I said, the oil thing doesn't matter to me.

Murph: Yeah, but it'll start mattering if you can't afford gas for the Honda.

Sully: Look, as long as I got my health, my lungs, a length of rubber tubing, and a next-door neighbor with an office job and an SUV, like that prick Glen, I'll be fine.

Murph: You Sullivans think sucking on things is the solution to everything, don't you?

Moderator: You know what? I'm gonna just cut this one off right here. Join us next time when we'll discuss our picks for this year's Oscars. Actually, you know what else? I'm gonna cut that one off before it even starts. Next time we'll discuss federal farm subsudies and see if we can't get through one of these without a gay joke.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Wood Stain is the New Bad Weed

Last weekend, the Teddy-ette and I had the piercingly bright idea to finally get around to staining the various unfinished bookshelves that have been littered around the apartment for the past few months. The result, unsurprisingly, was that we accidently managed to turn the entire apartment into a giant huff-bag. The effect was roughly similar to walking though a bonfire in a field in Rantoul, IL. On an up note, however, the fumes reduced the cat to tentatively staggering in slow circles, as though she were trying to walk down the banister of a spiral staircase.

Thus, the weekend was passed in rapt contemplation of “Anchorman” and various MTV reality shows. I can’t believe that they’re attempting to have a Real World/Road Rules Challenge without the Miz, or Crazy Hick Theo (who I greatly enjoy, as I’ve always envied the general miens and worldviews of those who were subjected to a series of shovel-blows to the head as children). Among those who did show up is former token Masshole hothead David, who appears to have mellowed into a comfortable insurance-adjusting reality-show dotage. Good for him--more of these freaks need to embrace the stoicism and encroaching puffiness of life away from the cameras.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Fictitious Teammates of Surprisingly Non-Fictional Red Sox CF Coco Crisp

CF: Coco Crisp
LF: Franken Berry
3B: Crackle
SS: Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil Gutierrez
2B: Juan Valdez
1B: That Kid Mikey Who Enjoys "Life"-Brand Cereal
RF: Destro
C: Alex Rodriguez
P: Mordecai "Three Fingers, Two Scoops" Brown

Friday, January 27, 2006

Periodic Item I Sort of Always Thought Was Available Everywhere...

but turned out to be a New England-specific artifact:

Hoodsie cups!

What next, no Sport Billy or Sport Lilly PSA's?

The Hartford Convention had it right--we should have seceded from the the great unwashed mass of hillbillies a long time ago.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Governmental Change in Canada

Moderator: Welcome to "Sully and Murph Discuss The Issues," a blog featuring commentary on major issues of the day. Our principal commentators are: Timothy "Sully" Sullivan, Jr. (20), a student at Worcester State College, and part-time stocker at Building 19; and Thomas "Murph" Murphy (19), a graduate of Assabet Valley Regional Vocational High School, and aspiring barber.

Today's topic: Does the Canadian Conservative Party's success in the wake of scandal surrounding former Prime Minister Paul Martin's Liberal government mark a genuine rightward turn for Canada, or merely a reaction to corruption in the Liberal Party?

Sully: Jaysus. How the hell do I care who's the Governor of Canada? As long as Montreal doesn't close down Club Super Sexe, everything's fine in my book.

Murph: You are dumb as a bag of wet hair. Canada doesn't have a Governor. It has a Queen. I know, because some jerk at the White Hen Pantry gave me a Canadian nickel as change--I couldn't get rid of it for weeks. And there's definitely an inbred lady with a tiara and an overbite on that thing.

Sully: The Queen--are you kiddin'? Jaysus, that lady's everywhere. Grampa Eammon used to tell me about how she put a curse on the potato crop back in Ireland.

Murph: What, now you're an IRA guy or something? Alls you know about bein' Irish is on St. Patty's Day when you break out that shirt that says "Kiss Me (Surprisingly Small [and Blindingly White] Hog), I'm Irish."

Sully: Listen, Murphy, just because two of your uncles spent three years upside-down in buckets of tea in an English prison doesn't give you the right to come off all Kevin Barry. The Sullivans were just too smart to get caught, that's all.

Murph: Get caught doin' what, fetchin' Whitey Bulger's coffee?

Moderator: All right, settle down. Do either of you have any parting thoughts that actually have to do with our topic?

Sully: Sure--now that the Republicans are in charge up theiah, maybe the Islams can go blow up a hockey rink instead of anything major.

Murph: Hell, if they take out the Queen they're welcome to use Ulster as their Holy Land. Couldn't make it worse up there if they tried, anyways.

Moderator: Join us next time when we will debate the rationale behind continued EU expansion.

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